Cappy, the second of the First Dogs, at his brother Bo's first birthday party
When students of Kalamazoo College go to school is in the hands of the Calendar Task Force, who released three plans on October the ninth to amend The College’s arcane schedule. Aptly called Calendar A (or the Fission Model), Calendar B (or the Carleton Model), and Calendar C (or the the Kalamazoo Model), the future lives of Hornets are at the whimsy of greater powers.
The Fission Model is reliant upon a Winter Quarter separated by a Winter Break–Winter Quarter, parts I and II. Fall quarter would end prior to Thanksgiving, allowing students to enjoy time with their families. A 12 day break would be included with Turkey Day, gravy on the side, mashed potatoes, cranberries, snow, Lions football. We would have three weeks of Winter Quarter, and then a two-week Winter Break. In the handy “BREAKDOWN OF PROS AND CONS” chart [PDF], a con of the Fission Model under “Pedagogical Matters” states that “Students may have assignments to do over the December break. We would. Interesting language involved with “December:” not Christmas, not Chanukah, not Kwanza, not even “Winter Break.” The College has successfully avoided all religious, social, and seasonal references. In an attempt to be inclusionary, they have excluded all meaning of the term Holiday Break. May I suggest a better title: “The Greatest and Fucking Coldest Break You’ll Ever Have in your Meaningless College Experience.” A time to spend with one’s family should be at the behest of homework needed to be done.
Our current model is the linkage in the Trifecta of Northwestern University, Stanford University, and Kalamazoo College. Presently the three colleges are on essentially the same schedule, except that Stanford has a week off for Thanksgiving, and they call Fall Quarter Autumn Quarter just to piss off Midwesterners. The two universities also have an optional eight-week Summer Quarter during which students can take classes. But our current model is extremely annoying. We start after high schoolers do, and end a month and a half after our friends attending Public Universities. There is also concern for our careers involved with the present model as it is difficult at to obtain internships beginning on or before June 1.
Also involved in the Fission Model is the possibility to re-locate LandSea from Kilarney National Park, ostensibly because K would need more permits than peak camping season would allow. A “promising [new location] has been identified,” according to the PROS AND CONS chart. “Athlete Matters” (Read: football) indicate that Calendar A “Shortens the time fall athletes are here alone,” which can only mean benefit for both Athlete and College. Isolated demographics are often prone to several sociological Group Disorders, including loneliness, Team Unity, and the need to be responsible. Imposing limitations upon these circumstances often aid in mitigating their effects.
Calendar A “Allows prospective students to visit a lively campus in September.”
Calendar B is for rascals and Calendar C for criminals.
There are bigger issues at hand here:
I’m calling out Richard Heene right now. If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s stupid people. Mr. Heene is a villain and should be put on public trial immediately for his falsifications and misleadings. His balloon was stupid. His son, Falcon, should be seized at once by Child Protective Services or else he will grow up to be a weak-minded poseur like his disgraceful father. Just because your name is Falcon doesn’t mean you can fly. There are two wars going on, and an entire country in Africa has collapsed. In fact, countries in Africa are dropping like flies. And here we are, sitting at home, with our stupid TV’s for some reason giving a damn about some kid–named Falcon–up in a balloon when the Taliban are apparently doing just fine over in fucking Pakistan.
We, as Americans, should be ashamed of ourselves for caring so much about one little kid up in a balloon in Colorado when 100,000 civilians have died in the Iraq war.
