Image: flickr.com user Szift

You all know what I’m talking about.  The night is going really well, you’re a couple drinks in and there’s a cute boy/girl/etc cradling a beer or suspiciously tasty tonic water. Eyes meet, sparks are sparking and the chemistry’s rising… enter your friends. All of a sudden what could have turned out beautifully (or at least satisfactorily) seems impossible. Your next one night stand (who knows, maybe you even would’ve called the next day! [Maybe.]) is rapidly losing interest and trying to edge away from the now extremely awkward situation.

Cockblockers are a varied species. They range from the drunk girl, practically a walking guarantee that the moments you could be caught by yourself in a darkened stairway or low lit hallway are few and far between, to any ex-lovers presently in the building, to your asshole friends making a game of it and right on down to the crux of all cockblockers, your drunk bro. You know, the one who drunkenly yells about things he shouldn’t know… who will take you aside in the midst of a seriously promising shared cigarette to tell you that he’s always got your back. While his cockblockery isn’t intentional, it’s all the more unstoppable for that.

So how to avoid the cockblocking trap? This kind of situation has to be handled with grace and finesse. The trick is to remember to be responsible for yourself and your bros (and hoes). Cockblocking is a fair game, both for those playing and those trying to avoid it. As always in sex, make your intentions clear and your expectations clearer… don’t make them up as you go along. Stay honest and clear-headed enough to banter and have a witty comeback or two up your sleeve. I recommend sarcasm as a casual anti-cockblock, but don’t be afraid to tell your friends to just plain fuck off if the opportunity arises. And friends, don’t be afraid to intervene in overly alcoholic situations. If a shouting match or bathroom stalking seems the only way to prevent an unpleasant surprise the following morning, by all means throw yourself between your friend and cute boy/girl/etc… no matter how well they can play Old Crow Medicine Show on acoustic guitar.

And as always, fellow cockblockers and cockblockees, remember to wrap it up. If you’re too drunk to work a condom, you’re too drunk for a one-night stand.