As some of you may know, noted blowhard Glenn Beck has come up with yet-another nationalistic publicity scam. Seemingly in an attempt to appeal to the same people who unironically talked about teabagging Obama, Beck has come up with what he calls the 9/12 Project.

Beck’s stated purpose for the project is to “bring us all back to the place we were on September 12, 2001.”

In the interests of Mr. Beck’s noble quest to unite America, I have compiled a list (neither 9 nor 12 items long) of ways we can all

They just can't wait to teabag Obama

(Red Staters and Blue Staters) help to win back that magical 9/12 feeling.

1. Keep you eye on that foreign-looking guy next door. You know the one I’m talking about: turban guy. He’s up to something.

2. Seal your house up with duct tape. Neglect no door or window.  A dirty bomb could strike at any time. An airtight house is a safe one.

3. Actually, to be safe, seal your kids up with cellophane. Dirty bombs spare no one, not even the young.

4. Start stockpiling ammunition and water. In the event of the terrorist apocalypse, every Good American knows it’s every man for himself.

5. Dress yourself and your kids in Red, White, and Blue. These colors don’t run and offer virtually endless  opportunities for accessorization. Also, horizontal stripes (such as those found on Old Glory) make you look slimmer (see item #6).

6. Eat plenty of Freedom Fries.

7. Be afraid! Fear is what keeps us together.

Follow these simple guidlines, and we can pull through this together. In the meantime, I’ll be in my apartment irradiating my mail against anthrax.