“In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist. We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties or democratic processes. We should take nothing for granted. Only an alert and knowledgeable citizenry can compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals, so that security and liberty may prosper together.”

– President Dwight D. Eisenhower, in his farewell address, January 17, 1961.

What makes America, America? It’s our ability to give the world the finger and say “Fuck yeah!” And what is an American if not a G.I. Joe? G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is great because terrorists cut off France’s dick (Fuck yeah!) and the destruction of the polar ice caps is attributed not to Global Warming, but to evil mastermind/arms dealer McCullen (Christopher Eccleston) blowing it up (Fuck yeah!).

Duke Hazard (Channing Fucking Tatum [CFT]) is entrusted to deliver metal-eating nanotechnology warheads to their military destination, but along the way his evil ex-fiancée, Baroness (Sienna Miller) [Fuck yeah!] robs him, and then a mysterious group of special ops show up and steal the warheads back from Baroness.

This secret group of course turns out to be G.I. Joe, and director Stephen Sommers takes us to their headquarters in Egypt (Fuck yeah!) where Denis Quaid (Fuck yeah!) gives all the Joes hi-fives for a job well done.

McCullen shows up at the base as a hologram and reactivates the tracking beaker on the warheads so his forces would know it’s location and be able to steal them back, again. CFT and his buddy Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) [meh] join the Joes and then Brendon Fraiser shows up to give combat training (Fuck yeah!).

CFT jumps over a train (Fuck yeah!), and Marlon Wayans jumps through a train (Fuck yeah!). The whole thing goes on from there as a back and forth with the nanotech warheads until France eats it.

The second half of the movie is Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope as a fleet of Joes in submarines prepare to attack the Death Star. Luke Skywalker rescues Princess Leia, Han Solo gets to fly his plane and shoot stuff, and Darth Vader senses a tremor in the force and fights Obi-Wan to the death.

On at least 17 occasions I seriously considered joining the military.

At the culmination, CFT, in a submarine, confronts the shitty broke-ass submarine of evil The Doctor and McClellan and The Doctor goes “You and what army?” and CFT, ice in his veins, says “MY army,” and then hundreds of Joes are there in their mini submarines and there’s this one giant submarine that rises dramatically into the shot and FUCK YEAH AMERICA WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But beware of the military-industrial complex.

A very unappealing Ms. Nichols

One of the most interesting things to do durning G.I. Joe is to decide whether Ms. Miller’s Baroness or Rachel Nichol’s Shana “Scarlett” O’hera is more attractive, a tough call. Baroness is totally in control, but Scarlett’s battle suit, which unfortunately is only featured at the end of the film, is akin to Pamela Anderson running through the water in slow motion in her red Baywatch swimming suit, droplets splashing around her, hair flowing in the wind, wakeboard in hand for all action figure collectors and men in general.

Mr. Sommers, it should be noted, has a history for pitting extremely attractive women against each other in battle scenes, a talent honed in the memorable exchange between Rachel Weisz and Patricia Velasquez in 2001′s The Mummy Returns.

The latest Judd Apatow movie, Funny People, is a distinguished comedy.  Normally, these sorts of films are referred to as dramedies, but Funny People lacks the comfortable relationship between humorous characters and the dramatic situations in which they participate.  Imagine Philadelphia and Happy Gilmore; we have the characters of one juxtaposed with the situation of the other.  In case you hadn’t guessed, this doesn’t really work.

The plotline of Funny People seems shifted slightly to the right; that is, it begins and ends awkwardly, and throughout the movie you can pick out better places for it to have started and ended.  George Simmons (Adam Sandler), a famous comedian and actor (essentially Adam Sandler in real life), discovers that he has a rare form of cancer; because the disease has progressed rapidly, traditional forms of treatment would be ineffective.  Therefore, he turns to an experimental treatment which yields only an 8% success rate.  I only mention this because it is so stressed in the movie, which cheapens Simmons’ recovery and makes the plotline seem that much more impossible.

Simmons returns to stand-up comedy and discovers the aspiring star, Ira Wright (Seth Rogen) and his roommates, Mark Taylor Jackson (Jason Schwartzman) and Leo Koenig (Jonah Hill).  In a confusing bout of self-loathing, Simmons enlists the secretarial help of Wright, who eagerly agrees to follow a sure-fire path to stardom.  Wright receives the grand treatment; most of the comedy of the movie stems from his inability to handle the luxuries of wealth.

Yet Simmons is as unhappy as ever, until his ex-fiancee Laura (Leslie Mann) arrives to console him.  In a strange reconciliation scene, Simmons and Laura fall in love again.  At the same time, Simmons receives news from his doctor that the disease has gone into remission (8%) and that he is most likely cured.  Simmons and Laura redevelop their relationship, while Wright, as an assistant, doubts the outcome of the infatuation.  Laura is married to Clarke (Eric Bana), another fountain of inspiration for the sharp comedians, and Wright is worried about what an adulterous relationship will do to the Laura-Clarke family.  As in all comedy movies, especially those of Judd Apatow, the main characters quarrel over something insipid, leaving the reconciliation for the very end of the movie.

My biggest qualm about Funny People is that most of it is unnecessary.  Within this already contrived plot are inconsequential subplots, such as the volatile relationship between Wright, his roommates, and a romantic interest who is so underdeveloped that she seems frivolous.  The comedy occurs in between, literally.  Most of the laughs from Funny People come from Simmons’ and Wright’s stand-up, which is generally crude albeit original.

I didn’t dislike Funny People, but I can’t place my finger on anything that I particularly enjoyed, other than Simmons’ stage performances and cameos from stars such as James Taylor, Norm McDonald, and Eminem (to name a small few).  The movie just seems clunky, as though the producers tried their hardest with a subprime plotline; the movie’s funny, but that doesn’t excuse the fact that the story’s mediocre.

I see a lot of egregious movies, I’m a horror fan. So I certainly wasn’t expecting Orphan to shock me with a superfluous storyline, ridiculous plot twists, violence, language, humor, sex, alcoholism, adultery, pedophilia, gore, child abuse, masochism, and murder. Rarely does a movie contain all of these things, things which make Orphan a stimulating treat, a visual feast of the macabre, a glamorized, yet sensitized, vision of normal people with totally abnormal problems.

The movie begins with a literal nightmare, which tells us that Kate Coleman (Vera Farmiga) had a stillborn child named Jessica. This infant death makes Kate a little crazy (and apparently celibate), but she’s given up drinking and she’s ready to adopt a new daughter. Together, she and her husband John (Peter Sarsgaard) visit an orphanage open-house (an uncomfortable concept) and discover the prodigy Esther (Isabelle Fuhrman), the proverbial orphan. After Esther displays some of her flair, she charms John and Kate into adopting her.

Well, it wouldn’t be much of a movie if Esther wasn’t a murdering sociopath with an 18^th century fashion style and manipulative personality disorder, would it? She elicits the help of her reluctant new sister Maxine (Aryana Engineer) to carry out her dastardly deeds, which include the murder of the head of the orphanage, Sister Abigail (CCH Pounder). Eventually Kate catches on that these terrible things are in one way or another connected with Esther while John remains woefully in the dark. Once Esther’s secret is discovered (hint: mental hospital in Estonia), John pays the price for his ignorance and Kate must endeavor to stop her adopted daughter.

The tagline for the movie is something like “you’ll never guess her secret” in reference to Esther. No, it’s true, you’ll never guess her secret, which is so ludicrous that I was bumping elbows with my friends I was laughing so hard. That’s really all Orphan offers, a series of events that grow in absurdity. What I’ve learned from horror movies, although Orphan isn’t really a horror movie, is that titillation is all that should be sought. Just remember to lower your expectations before you sit down; you’re almost guaranteed to enjoy it then.

Besides shock-and-awe, Orphan was also well-cast. Peter Sarsgaard, one of my favorite actors, paled in comparison to the excellent child cast, with exceptional performances from Isabelle Fuhrman and Aryana Engineer. The latter, playing the deaf Maxine Coleman, absolutely shone with charm. In fact, the little nuances of Orphan made it all the more enjoyable, such as the use of sign language and the complex history of John and Kate’s marriage that is never deeply discussed.

Orphan is long for the type of movie it is, just over two hours. If you see it, be prepared for shocking entertainment. Try to find the scene that made me slightly cringe.