I’d really like to go down on your daughter, says I.

You could go down on her, says she, but you live so far away. She might expect this sort of thing all the time, and I don’t want you to disappoint. So you’ll have to move.

If I have to move to go down on your daughter, says I, I will move.

So I pack my things, go through the classifieds, visit, talk, end up getting a studio for $300 a month plus utilities just two blocks away from that gorgeous cunt.

I knock on the door.
I’d really like to go down on your daughter, says I.

You could go down on her, says she, but now is not a good time. You see, we didn’t tell you before, but now we’re in the witness protection program hiding from a fugitive who wants to kill us. We just found out that he has moved here, quiet near, and it worries us. You’d have to kill this man before you could go down on my daughter.

All right, says I, where can I find this man?

He lives just across the street, says she. I believe you actually know him.

I go across the street and knock on the door.

You are getting in the way of me getting ass, says I, so I’m going to have to kill you.

All right, says the man, I’m tired of life anyways.

The man gives me a gun and I shoot him and I re-cross the street and knock on the door.

I killed the man, says I. Now may I go down on your daughter?

I’d love to say yes, says she, but she’s most terribly upset. You see, she has just found out that her father, the astronaut, is not bringing back a moon rock for her. He says it’s too hard. He’s been telling her he’d get her one ever since she was a young girl, and now that it’s not happening, well, you understand how it might upset her. You’d have to get my daughter a moon rock before going down on her.

All right, says I, I’ll be back in a bit.

I go to the bookstore and I buy a bunch of books and I educate myself in physics. I build myself a rocket in my basement and I go to the moon and I get a rock and I put it in a little blue tin box and I bring it back. I knock on the door.

I got the moon rock, says I. Could I see your daughter?

She’s not in, says she, she’s out with some friends. But she should be back soon. I know you haven’t seen her in a while, would you like to sit and wait for her?

Yes, says I.

Would you like some lemonade or egg nog? says she.

No thank you, says I.

We wait for hours and it gets dark outside. Then there’s a phone call and she starts to cry.

What happened? says I.

She fell off a bridge and drowned, says she.

Which bridge? says I.

The bridge just outside of town, says she.

I walk to the bridge just outside of town with the little blue tin box with the moon rock inside in my pocket. It takes me a while because it is far away. When I get there I jump off the bridge. I am a very good diver because I was on the diving team in high school.

The water is cold and it is dark, but I find her.

Hello, says I.

Hello, says she.

It’s been a while, says I.

So it has, says she. She looks up to the surface of the water before saying, I heard that you moved for me, and that you killed a man for me and that you went to the moon for me.

I did, says I. I brought you back your moon rock. I take out the little blue tin box with the moon rock inside and give it to her. She opens it.

I know it doesn’t mean as much coming from me as it would from your father, says I, but I really wanted you to have it.

You’re right, says she, but it’s still very nice. I will carry it with me always.

Then she takes my hand and pulls me to her and kisses me very profoundly with her hand holding the back of my head. We take all our clothes off and I go down on her and she tastes really nice.

After it’s all over she says, well you’ve gone down on me.

Yes, I have, says I. Did you like it?

Yes, says she. Did you?

Yes, says I. What do we do now?

Well, says she, it’s getting very late, so you should go home. But visit me every once in a while, in a great while, and we’ll touch each other for a time down here in the cold and the dark. I’m sorry it had to turn out this way, but there’s nothing to be done.

I swim to the surface and walk home in the dark. It’s Christmas Eve and the lights are on the houses. It seems to me that there’s no one in them. There is no one in the street.